Adult Sibling Grief Community

A friend shared this with me today… I think it makes sense and wondered what others think?
…One day I saw a notice for a talk on helping children through bereavement by Barbara Monroe, the Chief Executive of St Christopher’s Hospice in London. When I arrived, what I saw resembled a physics lesson. On the table before her was a very large glass jar. Beside were three balls: one large, one medium-sized, one small. Without a word, she began to stuff the large ball into the jar. With a great deal of effort, she wedged it in. ‘There!’ she said. ‘That’s how grieving feels at first. If grief is the ball and the jar is your world, you can see how the grief fills everything. There is no air to breathe, no space to move around. Every thought, every action reminds you of your loss.’ Then she pulled the large ball out of the jar and put in the medium-sized ball. She held it up again, tipping it so the ball rolled around a bit. ‘Maybe you think that’s how it will feel after a time – say, after the first year. Grieving will no longer fill every bit of space in your life.’ Then she rolled the ball out and plopped in the small ball. ‘Now, say, by the second or third year, that’s how grieving is supposed to feel. Like the ball, it has shrunk. So now you can think of grief as taking up a very small part of your world – it could almost be ignored if you wish to ignore it.’ For a moment, considering my own crammed jar, I thought of leaving. ‘That’s what everyone thinks grieving is like,’ the voice continued. ‘And it’s all rubbish.’ I settled back into my seat. Two other glass jars were produced from under the table: one larger, one very large. ‘Now,’ she said,imperiously. ‘Regard.’ Silently, she took the largest ball and squeezed it slowly into the least of the three jars. It would barely fit. Then she pulled the ball out and placed it in the next-larger jar. There was room for it to roll around. Finally, she took it out and dropped it into the largest glass jar. ‘There,’ she said, in triumph. ‘That’s what grieving is really like. If your grieving is the ball, like the ball here it doesn’t get any bigger or any smaller. It is always the same. But the jar is bigger. If your world is this glass jar, your task is to make your world bigger.’ ‘You see,’ she continued, ‘no-one wants their grief to shrink. It is all they have left of the person who died. But if your world gets larger, then you can keep your grief as it is, but work around it.’ Then she turned to us. ‘Older people coping with grief often try to keep their world the same. It is a mistake. If I have one thing to say to all of you it is this: make your world larger. Then there will be room in it for your grieving, but your grieving will not take up all the room. This way you can find space to make a new life for yourselves.

Thank you so very much for posting this. What a brilliant analogy for grief no matter what stage of it you occupy. It made me think a lot about learning how to cope with my loss. I think I will try and be mindful of extending my world, maybe even renovating it to compensate for the damage, and pain, due to the loss of my brother.

When I was reading this I thought, yes, the ball (grief) fills the jar, (our world) in the beginning. I did not agree with the ball getting smaller, and that by choice I could make it go away. Like your friend, I think I would have walked out in frustration at this point.

So, I was relieved after I read on, that the speaker thought grief stays the same size but in order to cope we must make our world bigger. I think this a great suggestion when trying to deal with grief. One I will consider over time.

It’s not always easy to do. I think my world is going to grow bigger, but not with any real pace. We all have choices, and the easy choice, is to stay where we are. At times grief has been crippling to me, and I have felt feel like I couldn’t move. Other times I don’t want to let go of my grief/pain for it is my connection to my brother. For me, the ball is all that I have left of my brother so I want to keep it, never loose it.

Today, I feel that no matter how much my world grows, the ball will never get lost in it. I can’t see it shrinking or it ever being overgrown. Someday, a bit of a balance will be restored to me as I open myself up, to let other things into my life, to be next to the loss and grief part of me.

I love this explanation. It give us a new language to describe where we’re at each day. I like that the ball stays the same size – cos I know from experience of losing my parents that the grief never left, I just learnt to carry the pain as time went on. I guess I have 3 balls to carry now. If the balls are foam balls then I guess whilst all 3 balls are the same size (mum, dad and sister), the new one for my sister is denser and heavier – yet just before she died my mother’s one occupied this space.

I find making the world bigger (as in our glass jars) really difficult to do. Where I live is quite small, and there are memories of all of them every where and therefore pain associated with their absence whenever I go places – which hasn’t been many or far since the 13 weeks of my sister’s absence.

Today my glass jar is tiny (Barbie sized) and my 3 foam balls are jammed in and overflowing – Easter used to be such a beautiful time filled with hope, now it seems so bleak.

I just came across this and I wanted to say, “Thank you” for sharing this. While I was reading it I had a panicked feeling that it was going to say that my ball would shrink, but thankfully that was not it at all. I am not prepared to make my jar bigger yet, but maybe eventually.

HI,
Ton of thanks for your post, rr74. I really needed that
Hope you don’t mind me copying your post in another bereavement community.

thanks for bumping this up to the top, tinker – I agree: it’s a great metaphor for how it seems to go.

wow!! most amazing way to describe grief EVER! I think it’s time to open my eyes a little wider every day I wouldn’t feel this pain if I didn’t have such an amazing time with my sister while she was here (had rough times too of course) but this post helped me realize there is always time to grow! this totally made my day!!!! THANK YOU!

Here is the Ball in the Jar post someone just asked to have reposted.