Adult Sibling Grief Community

I became interested in grief dreams in the aftermath of my brother’s death, while conducting research on my book, Surviving the Death of a Sibling:  Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies. During this time, I had the opportunity to speak with thousands of bereaved siblings and the subject of grief dreams invariably came up; it was the one topic everyone wanted to discuss.  I also noticed that the topic of grief dreams seemed to surface frequently on the discussion board at the adult sibling grief website.

I became fascinated with these dream stories and noted the healing effects they had in the lives of mourners.  As I began to investigate this topic more thoroughly, I was surprised to find that very little had been written about the many benefits of grief dreams.  Although I had not intended to devote a chapter to dreams in my Surviving the Death of a Sibling book, I soon realized that grief dreams were part of the bereavement landscape and I decided to include a chapter on dreams. After Surviving the Death of a Sibling was published, my hunch about the importance of grief dreams was confirmed: Of all the chapters in my first book, the chapter on dreams elicited the greatest response from readers. “Why isn’t there more out there in grief dreams?” was a common question and it was from my readers’ responses that my second book, Grief Dreams: How they Help Heal Us After the Death of a Loved One was born.

I would like to devote the next few blogs to this topic in hopes that it will solicit some discussion and sharing of sibling dreams on the message board.  So, how do dreams fit into the journey of grief? Since recorded time, humans have valued their dreams.  Ancient civilizations looked to dreams as a way to predict the future and to contact ancestors.  Biblical dreams were understood as messages from God.  In more recent history, musicians, artists and scientists credit their dreams for their inspiration.  And in the field of modern psychology, the study of dreams has become an important aspect of therapeutic practice. One of the most troubling aspects of grief is our sense of powerlessness. Grieving people feel hopeless and frustrated because nothing can be done to change the terrible events that resulted in their present misery.

While it’s true that there’s not much that can ease the suffering associated with profound loss, it is possible to tap into the healing powers of our dreams. I found that most grieving siblings find deep meaning and consolation in their dreams of deceased brothers or sisters.  Because grief dreams are a fairly universal phenomenon among the bereaved, they offer the opportunity, when affirmed as important and properly understood, for healing.

It’s interesting that many of the people report that they never really remembered their dreams before—BUT following the death of their sibling, they were able to actually recall their dreams for the first time. Grief dreams can serve as gentle reminders that your brother or sister is still part of your life.  And, these dreams can help us in the painful adjustment process that is part of every grief journey.  Finally, grief dreams allow us to transcend the limits of space and time and to have what every grieving person desires most:  Just one more visit.

In attempting to understand the nature of grief dreams, it’s helpful to recognize that most grief dreams fall into four rather broad categories:

1.     The visitation dream

2.     The message dream

3.     The reassurance dream

4.     The trauma dream

Of course, not all grief dreams fit into these specific categories. BUT, for clarity purposes in this blog, I will focus on the four main grief dream types. I will briefly describe the first type in this blog and ask that those who have had a visitation dream to post comments about them on the message board. I will describe the other types of dreams in subsequent blogs over the next couple of weeks and we can discuss them later, but for now, let’s focus on the first type of dream: the Visitation Dream.

In the visitation dream, the dreamer merely spends time with the deceased.  These dreams may recall a forgotten memory of the dreamer, sometimes from childhood.  Often, the dreamer reports that there was no prophetic message or warnings in the dream; rather, it was just a “final visit.”  Such visits may be quiet and pensive, or they might come in the form of joyous reunions, as in the following dream, relayed to me by surviving sibling Anna (34) who lost her sister, Debi (38) to cancer:

Debi passed away in November and I had this dream in February. In the dream, I was sitting on the porch of our childhood home with my grandmother (who passed away when I was a teenager). Debi walked out of the house with a pitcher of lemonade and sat down with us. Grandma did not seem at all surprised, but I couldn’t believe it!  I felt so happy! I thought to myself, “Debi, I thought you were dead!” but I did not say anything because I did not want to jinx it, so I just sat there, smiling at her—and she smiled back in her big sister way—and we were both happy.

Many of the features of this dream bring healing to Anna. Her big sister brings her something to drink and sits down for a visit. Debi appears from inside their childhood home (in dreams, houses usually represent the dreamer), a place where in happier times, the two played and grew up together. Debi’s appearance from the door of the house indicates that she is still very much a part of Anna, since the house represents Anna. The pitcher of lemonade, a childhood staple, says Anna, is a comforting symbol for her. The sisters smile at one another and this fills Anna with happiness. Anna reports that in the midst of her grief, this “visitation” brought her a great deal of comfort and she was disappointed when the dream ended. “I woke up, and for an instant, I felt happy, something I had not felt for many months. It was so wonderful to see Debi healthy and happy, looking the way she did when she was a teenager.”

I’ve had several visitation dreams of my brother over the years and I agree with Anna in that these dreams are very comforting. I look forward to reading some interesting posts over the next few weeks as we discuss this topic. —TJ